Losing Your Way
by jona
Summary: Harry finds himself in a situation he never imagined he'd be in... How can Snape help him? And what is Harry trying to hide?... *This fic is finished!* Love, Jona x x x (sequel on the way!)
1. Part One

Severus Snape peered out across the cold uninviting threshold of his home

** ** **LOSING YOUR WAY**

Part One 

Severus Snape peered out across the cold uninviting threshold of his home.There was no warm fire to greet him, no family waiting for him to arrive, no incentive for him to be there at all, except that there was no where else to go.

He pulled his cloak more tightly around himself, shutting out the cold brash wind that swept over the hillside all year round, even on a day like this in the middle of July.

With a small sigh he made his way towards the door rubbing his hands together, before shoving the door open.

It hit the wall with a loud bang, which echoed around the nearly empty entrance hall.

Snape Manor was a big old mansion, but it hadn't been properly used in years.Snape only ever visited the old place when he had to.It didn't exactly hold the fondest memories for him.His childhood had been almost as cold and harsh as his adult life.

It was at moments like this that Snape wished he still had some house elves.Grudgingly he lit a fire in the dreary sitting room.The light only served to bring the depressing décor and dust into sharper focus.

Frowning, Snape cast a cleaning charm and the dust vanished.

He sat heavily in a big old chair staring into the fire…

What has my life become?He wondered.

I work myself to a temper every day during school time and I wallow in this dreary place when I'm away.

He didn't feel like traipsing upstairs to find a cold uninviting bedchamber to sleep in so Snape conjured a blanket and curled up, exhausted in the chair by the fire.

***

It was like this that he was found the next day by a rather putout mail-owl.The bird was squawking noisily to wake the comatose man.

"What?Get away with you!"He shouted grouchily.

The owl hooted indignantly and stuck its leg out revealing the letter it was carrying.

"Oh fine."Said Snape angrily snatching the letter and rubbing his eyes blearily to read it.

_'Severus._

_I trust this letter has reached you safely.I'm most sorry to have to inconvenience you on your holiday but there is an urgent situation and I require your immediate presence at Hogwarts._

_This is unfortunate but unavoidable.I thank you in advance for your prompt action._

_Albus Dumbledore.'_

Snape yawned and waved the owl away impatiently.

"Go away, I don't have a reply for you."He growled.

"What now?"He muttered to himself re-reading the note.It had better be important.

Stretching out, stiff from sleeping in the chair Severus took one last look at the dreary room with the smouldering ashes in the fireplace and apparated away.

***

When he arrived at the front gates of Hogwarts Snape was surprised to find Professor McGonagall waiting there for him.

"There you are!"She exclaimed.

"Come along!We have to hurry.What on earth took so long?Albus sent an express owl."

"And a hello how are you to you too Minerva."Grumbled Snape, still feeling extra grouchy from a bad night's sleep.

Minerva didn't reply.She was already striding towards the castle at a brisk pace.

Snape shrugged and followed still not knowing why he'd been sent for.

When they got inside McGonagall made her way towards the Hospital Wing.

"Why are you bringing me here?"Questioned Snape, at last managing to shake the cobwebs of sleep from his mind and becoming curious.

"Well for heavens sake, see for yourself."She sniffed throwing open the door to the infirmary.

Snape's eyes scanned the room.

"What?"He asked confused.

"There, on the bed."

"Those rags?What about them?"

"RAGS?!That's Harry Potter!"Shrieked McGonagall.

Snape's eyes shot to the dirty bundle and he saw a hand trembling and that familiar shock of black hair.

"Oh God.What happened?"

At that moment Dumbledore appeared at the doorway and gestured for Snape to join him.

When they were outside in the hallway they spoke.

"You've seen him then Severus."Said Dumbledore the intonation in is voice giving away the worry that he'd never let show on his face.

"Yes…"

Snape fidgeted uncomfortably and ran a hand through his greasy hair.

"What is it you needed me for?I'm not a medi-wizard, I can't help Pomfrey heal him.I only know potions, and you already have those."He said bluntly.

Dumbledore fixed his gaze in him and Snape suddenly felt 12 years old again.

"What can I do to help is what I meant."He added hurriedly.

"You know more than just potions Severus.You've come through a certain experience, one that I think Harry is going to find even harder to deal with than you did.He's going to need your help."

Snape sat back in shock.

"Why?What's happened?"He asked, curiosity flaring up strongly inside of him.

"See for yourself."Said Dumbledore.

They made their way back into the room and over to where Harry was lying, completely unconscious.

Dumbledore took Harry's left arm and lifted the sleeve gently to reveal…

"The Dark Mark!"Shouted Snape in surprise turning his head away at the shock of seeing the ugly symbol, which he so often wished to remove from his own arm, imprinted on Harry Potter's.

A/N

Okay, this is probably going to be one of the most angsty, depressing things I'll write, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.So, here it is.Please tell me what you think.There will probably be 4 parts to it, and the others will probably be slightly longer than this one.

Love

Jona

xxx


	2. Part Two

Part Two

Part Two 

The darkness surrounding him had become tangible, Harry fought to break free from it, but it persistently pressed in on him.

Slowly, the same way the sun rises languidly at dawn and moves in stealth across the sky, the darkness receded.

Harry blinked as the pure white light flooded in on him.But this was no holy light of salvation.It was only the natural glare of daytime amplified by the white walls of the Hospital Wing.

Harry felt as though his limbs were leaden.He blinked absentmindedly at the blurry shapes before him, but made no move to reach for his glasses.

It was the first time in his life that Harry Potter had woken without hope.

The last few weeks he had been single-minded in his desperation to get back to Hogwarts, but now that he had achieved that, the world seemed an empty, hollow place.How did he think they could help him?He didn't doubt that Madame Pomfrey would have already removed his few injuries.But what could anyone do for his soul?

Reluctantly Harry felt his mind drawn back to the moment that had ignited such a drastic change in his life.

"Kill the spare… Avada Kedavra… Kill the spare…"

Cedric Diggory had been killed, and with him a part of Harry had died also.The innocence that had allowed him to overcome so much in his short life had been taken away with one single spell.

Harry knew that somewhere, deep inside himself he could still feel remorse, that nagging voice which brought about the insatiable waves of guilt.But for now all he would feel, all he would _allow_ himself to feel was numb.

When he couldn't feel, he wouldn't have to acknowledge the fact that he'd betrayed everyone.

He wouldn't have to remember the things he'd said, thought and done… God what had he done?

He could forget that he'd become what he'd always hated, that he was a Death Eater.

~~~

"I need to know what happened!"Cried Snape exasperated.

"That information is not mine to divulge Severus."Replied Dumbledore calmly.

Having only recently recovered from the shock he'd received in the Hospital Wing, Snape was now becoming immensely curious, desperate to know what had happened, what events had conspired to brand Harry Potter a Death Eater.

"But how can I help him if I don't know what happened?"Urged Snape resentfully.

Dumbledore shook his head.Snape knew that whatever it had been, it must have been big.He hadn't seen Dumbledore look so solemn since the night that James and Lily had died.

"What do you want me to do?"He asked sharply.

"Severus, he needs to talk.And I know he wont talk to me._You_ must talk to him._You_ need to get him to tell you what happened, and then _you_ are going to help him deal with it."Said Dumbledore in a tone that stated clearly that there would be no debate about this.

Snape fought the mad urge to laugh… instead he found himself nodding sibilantly and standing to leave.It was clear that it would be up to him to do for Harry what had been done for him so many years ago.

"I'll do what I can."He said quietly, and then he swept from the headmaster's office and started for the Hospital Wing.

A barrage of thoughts pounded in his head as he drew nearer the room.What could he say or do to get the boy talking?Hadn't he always treated Harry with the utmost contempt and ridiculed him tirelessly.Why then would Harry prefer to spill the darkest secret of his soul to him rather than to Dumbledore?

In a sudden moment of inspiration Snape knew why Dumbledore had chosen him.

~~~

There was a sudden flurry of noise.Harry felt a dull flare of interest inside of him and forced his eyes back open.

He watched as the blurry figure approached.He thought for one horrible moment that the person coming nearer was Voldemort, but then he made out the hooked nose and greasy hair and knew at once that it was someone much worse.

~~~

Snape knew what he had to do.The only way he'd get anything out of Harry would be to force him to feel again, and he would do this in the best way he knew how…

"So Potter… got tired of being everyone's favourite hero?"

The sneering voice would normally have stirred up strong feelings of resentment and anger in Harry, but this time Harry seemed only able to register the words with bland acknowledgement.

The insults continued.

"Not the brave Gryffindor you thought you were eh?Just a pathetic snivelling coward."

No reaction

After ten minutes of the most scathing attacks Snape could imagine he was beginning to wonder if he'd ever be able to break through the cocoon in which Harry had sealed himself.

There was one last angle, the thing that Snape knew would hurt Harry the most, which he'd hoped he wouldn't be required to use.

"Your parents would be ashamed of you Harry.They'd wish they'd never had a son.But why should you care?You'll never see them anyway, Death Eaters don't have a place where your parents are…"

~~~

His parents…In all his life Harry had never felt such pain as this.Worse than cruciatus, worse than any laceration or burn, or any number of broken bones. 

Pain that meant he couldn't breathe, couldn't see, or hear or think.Just pain… in its purest form.The torrent of emotion that came upon him caused Harry to pass out, his thin frame wracked with seizure and his heart broken beyond endurance.

~~~

"I KILLED HIM!"

The four of them tried everything they could to stop it, but nothing seemed to work.

"I KILLED HIM!"

Dumbledore, Snape, Pomfrey and McGonagall, even together the four of them couldn't seem to break through Harry's shell.

"How's he doing it Albus?"Exclaimed Poppy Pomfrey as another stunning spell richoced away from the hysterical Harry.

"I KILLED HIM!"

"I don't know.But we aren't getting anywhere."Shouted Dumbledore above Harry's tortured moaning.

Suddenly the noise stopped.There was a dead silence in the Hospital Wing.

All four adults stared at Harry who now lay completely still.

They didn't realise they'd been holding their breath until all four sighed in relief at seeing Harry's chest begin to rise and fall again.

Slowly they came back to their senses.

"W-who did he k-kill?"Whispered McGonagall growing pale.

Dumbledore turned away from the rest of them his head bowed.

"I only hope it isn't who I think it is."He said without turning around.

~~~

Harry's world of pain suddenly fell away.He was floating, floating backwards.

"Why did you leave?"

The voice no longer scared him.Harry had grown to hate the voice more than fear it.

"I wont do it anymore."He replied adamantly.

"Harry, you can't turn away now.Besides, they wont want you back, not when they find out the truth."

"I don't care!"Replied Harry zealously even if he knew inside that he did care.

"We shall see."

Suddenly Harry had plunged into the world he feared the most.

The world of his memories…

His haunted past…

~~~***Flashback: Harry remembers the start of summer***~~~

"Take your wand an use it."

At first the insistent voice had been laughed at, Harry would never have thought of doing what it told him.

"They're muggle scum, they locked you away!They deserve to suffer!They deserve to die!"

The voice at first had seemed to come from somewhere else, but slowly Harry started to believe that it came from inside himself.

"They're so pitiful, they're beneath you.Put them out of their misery."

Harry felt his wand's warmth in his hand grow for an instant.

"No-one would blame you, you'd be doing the world a service."

He felt his legs move of their own accord.

"You'd be free of them at last!"

He was going to find his uncle

"You have this power, it's time to use it!"

As if he'd come out of a trance Harry stumbled, realised what he'd been about to do.

In a panic he fled.

Bolting out of the front door with nothing but his wand in his hand, he ran.Ignoring the startled, angry yells of the Dursleys he tore down the road.

_I have to get away!_

Slowly Harry realised that he was lost, he had no money, nowhere to go and it was getting dark.

"Why don't you use your magic?"

The voice was back.

"Leave me alone!"Harry yelled into the darkness.

Silence.

But then he realised that he would have to use his magic.

Reluctantly he muttered "Lumos."The wandlight spilled into the darkness illuminating some sort of forest.

Suddenly he felt rough hands grab his arms.

His wand fell to the ground and went out, then from the darkness a stream of white light shot towards him, and Harry was unconscious.

~~~***End Flashback***~~~

No No No!!!Screamed his mind, You mustn't remember!

"NO!"

Madame Pomfrey had volunteered to watch Harry, and when he suddenly shouted she almost jumped a foot in the air.

"Harry!It's alright!"

The boy remained silent but shook slightly, his eyes still tightly closed.

"It's alright."

She replied in a soothing voice.

Harry tensed whispering one word before returning to his deep sleep.

"Sirius."

A/N

I'm sorry guys!I had to leave it there.

*jumps underneath desk to escape injury*

I know not everything is clear yet, but more explaining will happen!

For those of you who are wondering I thought I would try and finish this before going back to school so that it doesn't drag on endlessly or get forgotten.

Love

Jona

xxx


	3. Part Three

Part Three

Part Three 

Harry was running, always running, he had to get away, he couldn't face what had happened, he had to escape…

Where could he go?Where would he be safe?

…Hogwarts.

The darkness seemed to chase him, the darkness, and the voice…

It was the voice's fault, not Harry's… It was the voice!

Even though he knew it wasn't true he had to believe it…it would mean too much guilt not to.

Running, always running.

Harry woke feeling the guilt torment him with the relentless nature of the cruciatus curse.

He almost couldn't bear to open his eyes.He didn't deserve to see the light of day… he didn't deserve to live.

"Harry."

The voice sounded kind and gentle.

He wanted to force it away. He didn't deserve kind and gentle things.

"Harry!"

There was more insistence this time.

"Potter. You must wake up."

A command, he had to obey.With regimental discipline Harry forced his eyes to stay open and sat up in bed.

"Eat this please."Urged Madame Pomfrey.

Harry stared blankly back at her.

"Eat it!"Ordered Snape from behind her.

Mechanically Harry took the bowl of porridge and began gulping it down.

"I'll leave him to you then Severus shall I?"Remarked Madame Pomfrey sarcastically.

"Go and get some rest Poppy."Said Dumbledore from across the room, "You've been up all night."

Harry watched in silence as Madame Pomfrey left the room soon followed by Dumbledore.

He realised that Snape was looking him straight in the eye.

"So Potter.It seems we have more in common than we'd like to admit."

Harry stared back at him, his eyes devoid of emotion making Snape feel uncomfortable.

"I think perhaps you owe me an explanation Potter."Said Snape calmly.

"But don't think you'll get any sympathy from _me_."

Harry nodded but remained silent.

The sounds of breathing seemed to fill the room, the two wizards stared at each other, neither willing to speak but both of them waiting… waiting.

Harry tried to search the Professor's eyes… but he found no sign of emotion in the blackness.

~~~

Snape had just begun to think he wouldn't get a response when suddenly Harry spoke.

"I killed him."

Leaning closer Snape remained as expressionless as Harry.

"Who did you kill?" He asked.

"I ran away."

Said Harry softly.

"I ran straight to _him_."

Snape suppressed a shudder.

"He t-told me…"

Harry seemed to halt as if afraid.

"Go on."Prompted Snape at a whisper.

"the voice… told me to trust him."

Harry's voice had been reduced to a whisper.

"So I believed him when he told me… I am his protégé"

"What did he tell you to do?"Asked Snape concealing all trace of emotion.

"Kill them… Kill them all… Avenge the dark lord Harry!Avenge me and you will fulfil your destiny!AVENGE THE DARK LORD! KILL THEM ALL!"

Harry's voice had escalated and his imitation of Voldemort was far too accurate.Snape covered his ears with his hands trying to block out the boy's ranting.

Harry suddenly fell silent once more.

"I killed him."He whispered closing his eyes.

~~~

"He's deranged!He can't deal with what's happened.I can't make him tell me what he's done, he just starts ranting.I can't help him!"

Dumbledore fixed Snape with a piercing glare.

"Severus.I need not remind you how _you_ were when _you_ first left do I?"Said Dumbledore quietly.

"He's beyond that!He's beyond help!" he persisted 

"Don't say that!"

Snape jerked backwards in surprise at the angry outburst from his mentor.

"Give him time Severus."Urged the headmaster his voice returned to its usual controlled calming tone.

"I'll do what I can."Reiterated Snape, wondering what, if anything, he _could_ do.

~~~

Having been left alone, Harry felt his mind drawn back into remembering…

It hadn't taken long.Not nearly as long as it should have done.

Within a matter of days Harry had become convinced that he was meant to be a Death Eater.

The Dark Mark had been branded onto Harry's arm.He remembered how surprised he'd been at finding it a completely painless procedure.

Of course, most things about being a Death Eater _were_ painful.But it was almost as though you weren't allowed to feel the guilt.

Harry remembered the effortlessness with which he'd learnt the dark arts.

"See, you were meant for this Harry.It is your destiny."

The voice had never left his head.But he had accepted it.Fighting hadn't worked.

And then that day had arrived… The day that had changed everything…

"No!"

Harry pulled himself from the memory just in time.Shaking and sweating he pulled his sheets around himself needing to forget.

"I killed him."He whispered.

~~~

Snape didn't go straight back to the Hospital Wing after he left Dumbledore's office again.Instead he retreated to his dungeon.

Amidst the almost damp cool air Severus Snape found solace in the quiet.

Sitting in his office he could almost forget that he had to go and talk to Harry.

Almost…

It frightened him.If Harry could be persuaded.Harry Potter, who had always been a steadfast supporter of the light if not the ideal student, then who else would follow?

But despite his fears there was something almost comforting in the situation… He wasn't the only one now.And perhaps, if people forgave Harry, which he suspected they would (even if the boy didn't forgive himself), then perhaps they would find it easier to forgive _him_.

Eventually the silence of the office began to grate on Snape.He felt the sudden rush of will power he needed to talk to Harry.

~~~

Harry glanced about the Hospital Wing, surely there would be something there, something near enough for him to reach, something sharp enough to set him free.

"You're an inconvenience Harry!They don't want _you_… They want the Harry _they_ know!And he doesn't exist anymore."

The voice had been urging him for almost an hour now, but it had felt like longer.

suddenly something caught Harry's eye.Madame Pomfrey's wand lay on the bed next to his.If he could reach it… He'd learnt perfectly well how to perform the killing curse…

Slowly he summoned the strength and leant over towards the neighbouring bed.

"Potter!"

The harsh voice made Harry freeze.

"What are you…"

Snape glanced between Harry's guiltily stilled outstretched hand and the wand.

He was trying to kill himself, just like you did.That realisation stunted the words that his mouth had been forming.

Harry glanced up at him slowly withdrawing his hand.He suddenly hung his head, ashamed and started to shake.

Snape hurried over and flung Poppy Pomfrey's wand to the other side of the room.

"You mustn't think that way Harry.Do you hear me!It won't change a thing if you take your own life.It would mean Voldemort has won."

The shaking stopped.

"You said his name."Whispered Harry.

Snape grabbed Harry's shoulders.

"It's only by coming to terms with what's happened that you can start to make up for what you've done."He insisted in an unusually restrained voice.

"Like you did."Said Harry softly.

Snape sat down on the chair next to Harry's bed, as he released Harry's shoulders he was relieved to see Harry raise his head to meet his eye.

"There isn't a day goes by I don't feel guilty about it.And I still find it hard to accept every second chance I'm given, but I the truth is we have to do all we can to make up for it, if we don't do that… That is worse than making the mistake in the first place."

The honesty with which Snape was talking rang through in his words Harry felt himself believing what he was told despite the insistent urge to end it all, in the back of his mind.

There was a moment of silence.

Snape watched Harry, he could almost hear his mind debating.Adrenaline had helped him speak.He'd just told Harry what no-one else had ever gotten him to admit… Not even Dumbledore.

"Harry.Tell me what happened.As Dumbledore says, acceptance is the first step to recovery."

Harry glanced up and nodded slowly.

"I ran away from Privet Drive.The Dursleys were in danger.I was getting more and more… angry I guess…Fate it seems threw me into the path of some Death Eaters.At least, that was what I was led to believe.

I gave in, I became something I never imagined I'd be, one of _them_.

The Dark Lord insisted that I was most important to his plans.It's ironic, I felt as though I'd finally taken control, when in fact I'd just given it all away.

I didn't realise it until _that_ day…"

Harry looked up, pausing to study Snape's reaction.

Although his face remained impassive, Severus was in fact squirming inside.His heart seemed to be thudding against his ribcage harder than usual.It was so hard to believe that it was 15 year old Harry Potter speaking.

"What happened?What made you realise?"

Harry's face darkened.

"The Death Eaters captured my godfather."

Snape nodded suddenly dreading what Harry was about to tell him.

"Sirius was unconscious, just lying there on the ground.I knew as soon as I saw him that I'd made a huge mistake."

Harry was struggling not to cry.

"The Dark Lord told me that I would be able to prove my loyalty by killing him."

"What did you do?"

"Wormtail held Sirius up in front of me and The Dark Lord stood behind me.I knew that I would be killed if I didn't do it…"

"Go on Harry."

"I killed him."

"You killed Black?"

"No…I k-killed You-Know-Who."

A/N

Wow!I bet you weren't expecting THAT!!!**evil chuckle**

It's not been re-checked this time so sorry for any errors… I'm a lazy git, and I apologise.

Thanks to the riddles for your input… Aenigma Aeternus!

### Thankyou Section ###

Lin-z ~~~Ah, suspense… It's the only way I know!Thankyou.

vmr~~~I shall, thanks!

Ady ~~~Woah!Okay!I hope this chapter calmed you down… although I suspect it didn't really!btw I loved chapter 23!

Jess~~~I'm sorry!I hope the short wait was a consolation!

Creamy Mimi~~~Thanks!

Thankyou All !!!!

Love

Jona

xxx


	4. Part Four

Part Four

**A/N – Warning!If you read this, then read ALL of it!**

Part Four 

"I killed You-Know-Who."

A simple sentence, but one that inspired such a tumult of emotions inside both Severus Snape and Harry Potter.

The former could barely distinguish what he felt, but above all he knew it was disbelief.

Unable to speak… to ask for confirmation, Snape pondered the ethereal idea.

One thought however eclipsed ideas of a world without Voldemort it was the realisation that Harry seemed now unable to pronounce the very name of the one he claimed to have killed.

Harry on the other hand felt the now familiar waves of self-loathing pound his guilt-ridden conscience.

Eventually Snape managed to regain the power of speech.

"What happened?"He asked, unable to keep the wonder from his voice.

Harry blinked back at him open mouthed.

"Tell me what happened."Repeated Snape trying to inject fresh authority into his voice.

"He fell, must have surprised him.It was strange.Almost as though I had just at that moment woken from a nightmare… I was confused, in a daze I suppose.I never saw it coming."

"Saw what?"

"The killing curse.I didn't even hear him say Avada Kedavra."

"Who?"

"Lucius Malfoy."Hissed Harry."He tried to kill me… But… Peter… He dived in front of me… he saved me."

"Peter Pettigrew?"Asked Snape.

"When Malfoy saw what had happened he laughed… Laughed!He said that it didn't matter, that he had a better way to get his master's revenge… He k-killed S… He killed m-my… He k-killed him."

Harry clenched his fists in torment."I should have stopped him.I could have done something… All I did was stand there!He died before my eyes!And I LET IT HAPPEN!It was my fault he was there!He'd gone looking for me when he realised I'd run away!He died because of me!I KILLED HIM!"

Harry trembled with suppressed emotion and the air was thick with tension.Suddenly, as though releasing the self-loathing and hatred that was pent up in the air the window of the Hospital Wing shattered.

Snape stared at Harry.The thought of the events he'd just described had been too much for the boy.He'd collapsed back into his bed.

In his own mind the sequence of events was only just becoming clear to Snape…

"If this is true, Dumbledore needs to know!"He muttered to himself

"Talking to yourself Severus?"Asked Dumbledore from across the room.

"Albus!I didn't hear you come in!Harry told me…"

"It's alright, I already know."Interrupted Dumbledore standing up.

"But, how?"

"Making oneself invisible is immeasurably useful at times."Replied Dumbledore with a glint in his eye.

"Was he… telling the truth?Can it really be true?"Implored the Ex-Death Eater anxiously.

"I believe Mr Potter was telling the truth.Whether or not Voldemort is really gone…"

"This is too much!I've done what you asked.Now I'm leaving!"Insisted Snape feeling slightly overwhelmed.

"Calm down Severus.We need to think clearly."Said Dumbledore dismissively.

"Calm Down?CALM DOWN?!After what he's just told me, I will not calm down!" Replied Snape his voice rising to a yell, pointing a shaky finger at Harry.

"It would seem there is nothing we can do about Sirius… or Peter.But we have to find out where this happened and what happened afterwards."Reasoned the elderly mage

Snape sat back down muted.

"You also have to help Harry… He has a lot to cope with."

With that Dumbledore swept out of the room before Snape could reply.

~~~

_ _

_ _

_"They know now Harry… As soon as they get the rest of the details they'll throw you out!"_

The voice seemed ever present to Harry.

"Stop it!I've lost my godfather!I can't afford to loose my mind."He muttered.

"You didn't even check to see if they were dead, you ran away sobbing like a girl."

Harry started humming and curled himself up into a ball.

"You didn't even have the guts to bring back his body with you."

Harry tried to shut out the voice began rocking gently.

_ _

_"He's probably still lying there, on the ground.Not even properly buried."_

Harry began speaking in mantras

"I killed him, I killed him, I killed him…"

"You're worse than a Death Eater, you can't even stick to one side or the other."

"Its over, its over, its all over…"

"You're worse than the scum who killed your parents… And you killed him as well, didn't you!"

"Go away, go away, go away!"

_"What will Ron and Hermione think of you?"_

"No!Stop it!"

_"Even Snape is disgusted with you."_

"I won't listen!"

_"What would your parents think of their son?"_

"NO!!!"

Suddenly… There was no voice… Nothing… Just blackness.

~~~

Minerva McGonagall sighed as she made her way up the weed-plagued pathway towards the run down old cottage.

I always get the worst jobs.She mused.

When she got to the front door she knocked briskly and waited.

Looking around the garden she noticed one small patch of it was neatly sown and obviously cared for properly.She smiled when she recognised the flowers were those that muggles called 'Lupin'.

The door opened suddenly and when she turned around Minerva found herself at the end of Remus Lupin's wand.

"Oh!Sorry Minerva.I wasn't expecting anyone."Muttered Lupin lowering his wand hastily and stepping out of the way so that she could go through.

"Quite alright Remus, it's good to know you're on your guard."

The cottage was plain and sparsely decorated but well kept and immaculately clean.

"To what do I owe this unexpected visit?"Asked Lupin with an edge of anxiety in his otherwise pleasant voice as he rounded the heavy wooden kitchen table.

"I was sent to ask after Sirius."Admitted McGonagall.

Lupin's face paled dramatically.

"Dumbledore sent you here?"He asked in a quiet voice.

"Yes."Answered McGonagall "Are you alright?"

"Sirius left for Hogwarts a week ago to tell Dumbledore about Harry's letter."Revealed Lupin biting his lip.

"What letter?"Asked McGonagall, curious.

"Harry's owl delivered his school letter to Sirius.We assumed that there was something wrong with Harry if Hedwig couldn't reach him."Said Lupin faintly.

McGonagall took a rather shaky deep breath.

"Do you know if Harry's alright?"Asked Lupin suddenly.

"I think you'd better come with me to Hogwarts.Harry is there."She said standing up quickly and grabbing Lupin's shoulder.

She was a bit surprised to see him wince.

"What is it?"She asked.

"Transformation two days ago, it's alright."Muttered Lupin and then they both disappeared with a pop.

~~~

Dumbledore allowed Severus a break soon after their confrontation.He left Harry under the supervision of Remus Lupin.

Lupin had arrived with Minerva and the two of them had been informed of Harry's confessions.

Lupin now sat at Harry's side feeling numb.If he'd accepted it he would know that the reason he felt guilty was not his fault.

If I wasn't the monster I am I could have gone with Sirius.Perhaps if I'd been there… If only it hadn't been a full moon… Oh Sirius… Oh Harry.

He was alarmed when Harry woke up.The boy seemed completely oblivious to anything.He didn't even acknowledge Lupin's presence.

Is this really that brave, friendly, capable boy I taught?Is this really James' son?

But when Harry started talking to himself and became agitated Lupin really started to worry.

"Harry!"He shouted, but Harry didn't even seem to hear him.

He seemed to be having a conversation with someone invisible… Or was it a voice in his head?

Panicking Remus hurriedly summoned Dumbledore.

He and the headmaster heard Harry's pleading scream of 'No!!!' and returned in time to see Harry summon a wand from across the room and use it to stun himself before collapsing, unconscious again.

####~~~~####~~~~####

A/N

As is quite usual with me everything is NOT as it seems…

*evil cackle*

There will be one last part after this one or possibly two.Depends on how I feel!

Thankyou for the reviews!I wasn't sure how this fic would go down… *grins*

Thanks go to…

Kit Cloudkicker – Soz I missed you last time… I really didn't mean too!I treasure every review!Not all has yet been revealed…

Lily*Potter – All will be revealed

QtPie079 – I'm sorry! But please don't stop reading!I beg of you!!!!

Lin-z – I'm glad I gave you a surprise… That's what I was hoping to do!

Holli – I'm flattered, and yes… I am an evil cliffhanger person… *hangs head*

dani – Gr8 review!!! I like evil Harry sometimes… But don't tell anyone I said that!

sweets – Thanks!It's ok about the first two chapters. Auriellis… I was putting it on hold coz not many seemed interested… But perhaps I'll re-think that now.

Tia'RaHu – Thankyou, you got your answer!

Coqui – I love your stories!!! I feel a bit faint now!Thanks for reviewing!

vmr – more on that later… *evil grin*

Freda Potter – Don't give up on me!I know I'm mean and evil! But please!

Sandra Solaria Dees – (Cool name!)Thankyou… there it was!

Em – Thanks!

Okay… If I missed anyone I apologise profusely!I tried my best!!!

Oh, and Jess & Ady, you two have already read this chapter so I missed you guys out coz I didn't think there would be much point, but Thankyou anywasy, you know that you two rock!

Love

Jona

xxx


	5. Part Five

Part Five

Part Five 

"How did he do that?"Asked Remus staring at Harry's unconscious figure.

"What's going on?"Demanded Poppy Pomfrey sleepily from the doorway.

She was almost knocked over when Snape pushed past her pale faced, his dark eyes wide as he saw the wand in Harry's hand.

"Who gave him a wand?!"Demanded Snape angrily.

"He s-summoned it, himself, from across the room."Stuttered Remus in reply.

"Hey!That's my wand."Exclaimed Madame Pomfrey edging nearer.

"He stunned himself with it."Said Dumbledore holding Snape back as he tried to get closer.

"That's all."He added glancing at Harry.

"Thank Merlin."Gasped Snape before sitting down and sinking into the hard chair.

"Perhaps not everything is as bleak as it seemed."Said Dumbledore quietly.

"What do you mean Albus?What's been going on?"Asked Lupin still feeling quite shocked.

"We were worried Harry would try and commit suicide.He's not been very stable since he arrived."Replied Dumbledore.

"Harry?But… He wouldn't… Not Harry."Insisted Lupin staring at Harry's small pale face.

"He almost tried it earlier.But I interrupted him."Admitted Snape from his chair.

"I suppose you talked with him then Severus."Said Dumbledore with the hint of a smile playing in his eyes.

"It seems I may have had some effect."Said Snape pulling Madame Pomfrey's wand from Harry's hand and handing it to the matron who was standing quietly next to them looking slightly appalled.

"What made him stun himself?"Asked Poppy Pomfrey suddenly.

"He seemed to be in some sort of trance… He was… talking to himself, almost as if he'd gone completely crazy.That was why I summoned you Albus."Reported Lupin frowning with anxiety.

Dumbledore frowned in thought.But then he smiled grimly and said.

"I think he'll be alright for a while.But perhaps you should stay here Remus.He might be more coherent when he wakes."

With that, everyone left except Remus who returned to Harry's side and resumed his vigil feeling steadily more uneasy as the time passed.

~~~

Dumbledore's frown returned as he went back into his office.Fawkes' note of greeting went unrecognised as he paced the room.

Something wasn't quite right about Harry's behaviour, there was something that didn't add up.It had been a shock to imagine that Harry would lose his way so drastically in the first place… Perhaps that was it… Perhaps they had overlooked something that might have provoked such a sudden transformation.Then Dumbledore realised what had been nagging at him.He quickly scanned the shelves behind his desk before taking his pensieve and the school sorting hat down and putting them on the desk.

~~~

McGonagall entered the Hospital Wing carrying two mugs of butterbeer.Handing one to Lupin she drew up a chair.

"You should go home and get some rest Remus.You don't need to be here."She said gently.

Remus shook his head."I don't think I'd get any rest, besides, I do have to be here.I have to be here for Harry… He's…He's all I have left."  
Lupin grabbed Harry's hand and used the other to squeeze his burning eyes.

McGonagall put a hand on his shoulder.

"He'll be okay Remus.He's always been a determined kid. He wont let you down."She said trying not to let the words catch in her throat.

"You're tired.Go home.We'll let you know right away when he wakes up."She insisted forcefully.

Nodding conciliatorily Remus stood up and slowly made his way out of the room.

McGonagall watched him leave and then looked down at Harry sadly.

"You see Harry.You're still needed.You're still wanted.No-one blames you.Please trust us."

~~~

Remus returned to his run-down home feeling lower than ever.There was a dim light coming from the front window and he realised that he'd left the fire burning when he'd left in such a hurry earlier.

Cussing his forgetfulness Remus stumbled through the door only to be met with the shock of his life.

There was someone else there with him.

~~~

Dumbledore was pleased to see that Minerva had managed to persuade Remus to go home.

"Why have you brought the sorting hat Albus?"Asked McGonagall.

"I need it to talk to Harry."

"What?I don't understand."Said McGonagall frowning.

"The hat does more than sort people Minerva."Dumbledore reminded her quickly whilst taking out his wand.

"Are you going to wake him up?" Asked Minerva suddenly.

"Yes.The hat can hardly talk to him whilst he's unconscious!"

"It's just that I promised Remus we'd tell him when Harry woke up."Explained McGonagall.

"This really shouldn't wait Minerva.Besides I might be wrong, and if I am I wouldn't want to explain it to Remus."

McGonagall nodded and Dumbledore pointed his wand at Harry.

"Enervate!"

Harry's eyelids flickered open and he tensed up slightly regarding the two professors worriedly.

Dumbledore put the hat on his own head.

_ _

_Albus!It isn't time for the sorting yet is it?My song isn't finished_.

'No no, I've got a job for you.I need you to talk to Harry Potter.'

_ _

_Why?What has he done?_

'I need you to find out what's been affecting him recently.'

_ _

_Alright then._

Dumbledore took off the hat and replaced his own.

"Harry I want you to put on the hat now."Said Dumbledore gently.

~~~

Harry reached up and took the hat in his shaking hands.Was he being re-sorted?Did Dumbledore think he was unworthy of Gryffindor?Was he going to be moved to Slytherin?Harry slid the hat onto his head with great trepidation slightly surprised that it no longer slid right down over his eyes.

_Hello Harry_

_._

'Um… Hello.'

_ _

_Just wait a minute._

'Uh… Okay.'

Oh my!Now I see what Albus was talking about.You're racked with guilt aren't you?And confused.Gryffindor alive your mind's a mess!

'I guess it is.'

Well, why don't you let them help you?I know you're scared but they sure want to help you.

'Maybe.'

Okay well you can take me off now Harry.

Harry slid the hat off and almost smiled before the guilt forced the frown back onto his face.

Dumbledore put the hat back onto his head and his face betrayed that his suspicions, whatever they had been, were being confirmed by the tattered old hat.

~~~

Remus almost fainted straight away.He could hardly breathe as he realised what he was seeing.

"Oh God."He said grabbing the kitchen counter to steady himself.

"Remus…? Thank Merlin!Please help me!"Gasped Sirius from the floor.

"You're alive!"Exclaimed Lupin dropping to his hands and knees and almost unbelieving the feeling of Sirius' shoulder beneath his hand.

"Barely."Said Sirius hoarsely with a strained grin.

"But… How?"Demanded Lupin urgently ignoring the joke.

Sirius frowned with incomprehension before he passed out.

Remus caught him before he hit his head on the floor and realised that he'd better help the friend he'd thought was dead before it became a reality.

~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~

A/N

Mwuhahahaha!

I am the queen at cliffhangers!I swear it just comes naturally to me.

I'm sorry. This was going to be the last part, but then I decided to spring that one on you before the end and have a modest six part story.

So yeah, the next part is the last part!

Love Yas!

Jona

xxx


	6. Part Six

Part Six

Part Six 

(dedicated to the riddles… coz u guys rock! Thankyou so much for your support!)

Sirius woke with a start but was pleasantly surprised to see that it was simply a crackle from the roaring fire that had disturbed him.After days of travelling in his dog form through the unseasonal cold, it was heaven to allow the heat of the cosy living room to slowly thaw his bones.With a smile Sirius buried himself deeper into the blankets that Moony had covered him with.

Turning his head Sirius noticed that Remus was watching him from a chair across the room with a mixture of disbelief and frightened happiness on his face.It was as if he was scared to believe what he was seeing.

"Moony, are you alright?"Asked Sirius his voice muffled slightly by a blanket.

"Me!What about you?!"Said Remus in a strange voice.

"I suppose I should explain what happened."Said Sirius frowning.

"Can you?"

Sirius scrunched his eyes shut.This was going to be difficult.He had been worrying about how to tell Remus about Harry ever since he'd escaped.

With Sirius unable to form words there was a silence.Remus broke it.

"Perhaps you would find it easier to tell Dumbledore.We should go to Hogwarts.Then Madame Pomfrey can get a wand to you."

Sirius nodded numbly.

Remus was slightly surprised knowing the animosity between Padfoot and the bossy matron, but he realised that Sirius had probably been through hell and would need the help of the woman.

Without any more delay the two of them went through the fireplace, which glowed green from Floo-powder.

~~~

"Okay so, what was with the hat?"Asked McGonagall glancing sternly at the headmaster.

"Just a minute Minerva."Said Dumbledore drawing the latest smokey thought from his temple, and adding it to the many others he'd begun placing in the pensieve once Harry had been calmed back to sleep. 

"Okay.Now I think we need to get everyone together so that I can explain.I'll contact Remus.You can go and fetch Severus.Meet back here in my office and hopefully well be able to sort out what has been going on, once and for all."Said Dumbledore finally, stirring the thoughts in his pensieve almost absentmindedly with his wand.

"Alright then."Said McGonagall sounding slightly miffed and striding quickly away.

Fawkes the phoenix fluttered to Dumbledore's shoulder.

"Will you fetch Remus Lupin for me Fawkes.I'm feeling ever so tired."Said Dumbledore stroking the wonderful bird's ample plumage fondly.

With a steeling note of song the bird swept into the air and disappeared out of the window.

Dumbledore scratched his beard and took one last look through the thoughts he'd collected."I wish I'd seen it earlier."He mumbled to himself quietly.

~~~

Harry had pretended to fall asleep in order to get some time alone.He was still pondering what Dumbledore was playing at with the hat when he received a surprise visit from Fawkes the phoenix.

The fiery bird arrived through the broken window and flew over.

"Fawkes!"He breathed quietly.

The bird rested on the bed opposite and seemed to stare through him from its perch.Harry shuddered.

"I suppose you hate me now.You can sense the bad things, the evil that's in me."Whispered Harry seeing the distance that the phoenix had put between them.

He was greatly surprised when Fawkes swooped over and landed right on his shoulder.

The soft trill of phoenix song sent waves of warmth and relief through Harry.

Smiling properly for the first time in a long time Harry stroked Fawkes softly hardly daring to breathe.

When Fawkes returned to the air Harry whispered

"Thankyou."

He watched peacefully as the amazing bird flew back out through the window.

~~~

Dumbledore frowned.He couldn't understand why Fawkes hadn't returned with Remus yet.Shaking his head he turned back to where Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape were waiting impatiently to be received into his confidence.

"I guess I should tell you both now.We can explain to Remus later."

Said Dumbledore with one last glance at the window.

Gesturing to the pensieve he said."I think you'll understand what my suspicions are if you view these thoughts."

Without another word he tapped the pensieve and the professors all watched intently as the memories in the bowl swirled into focus…

**

_"Professor, I have something I need to tell you…"_

_Draco Malfoy's conflicted emotions had in reality been almost perfectly masked… but this was Albus Dumbledore's perception, and the torment shone through in the boys face._

_"My Father is a Death Eater."_

**

McGonagall and Snape looked at Dumbledore questioningly but he simply gestured back to the pensieve.

_**_

_"Father specialises in the imperious curse.He's really very good at it… I should know…"_

_Draco's frown had deepened and anger was clearly evident, but what Dumbledore had seen was the sadness, and the fear._

_**_

Snape raised an eyebrow at this point but Dumbledore didn't see it as his eyes remained fixed on the pensieve, on seeing this the potions master did likewise.

There were several scenes that followed.

_**_

_Harry looked very small sitting across from Dumbledore.It was obviously difficult for him to relive the events of the Third Task.But he did so, telling Dumbledore everything, the part shown in the pensieve focused mainly on his direct verbal exchanges with Voldemort._

_**_

_ _

_**_

_The last event was not given a visual representation.The swirling silver thoughts emitted instead the sound of Harry's incessant screams, his conversation with no one._

_**_

McGonagall and Snape strained to find the connection that linked all of these events, but neither could discover the significance.

Seeing the blank looks on their faces, Dumbledore went on to describe what the Sorting Hat had unearthed.

"It told me what I had suspected was true.Harry's mind is a jumble. But not just from the terrible guilt and anguish he's been feeling.There were signs that someone has been trying to 'suggest' things to Harry, to manipulate him from inside his own head.In the form of a voice."

McGonagall's face was hard as stone, anger blazed behind her typically composed visage.

Snape, on the other hand did little to conceal his anger.

"Lucius Malfoy."He hissed glaring his own forearm.

Dumbledore nodded.

"Yes, that is what I believe."

It was at this point that the three wizards were disturbed by the floo-arrival.

~~~

As Lupin stumbled out of the fireplace he looked back towards the fire as if expecting to be followed.

"Nice of you to join us Remus."Said McGonagall warmly getting no response from Lupin who was still glancing at the fireplace

Suddenly the fire sparked and a mess of dirty robes and limbs came flying out of the flames.

"Black!"Yelled Snape jumping out of his chair.

McGonagall swayed unsteadily on her feet grabbing hold of Lupin's arm as a look of relief flooded his face.

Dumbledore was visibly surprised to see Sirius Black tumble out of the fireplace but being ever practical and alert his mind shot straight to…

"Harry."

On hearing his godson's name Sirius winced and paused from brushing the soot from his apparel.

"Oh Sirius Black!Don't you ever do that to me again!"Said McGonagall sternly her eyes shining suspiciously brightly behind the frown.

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

Dumbledore noticed this and said.

"Harry told us that you'd been killed."

Sirius' eyes snapped to Dumbledore immediately.

"Harry?When?Where?"

"He's in the Hospital Wing right now.He thinks you're dead, and he's not taken it very well."Said Snape quietly having sat back in his seat to lean heavily against the chair back.

"He's… what?"Said Sirius frowning and looking very confused.

"He came back Sirius.He came here, to Hogwarts.He's come back to us."Said Remus putting a hand on Sirius' shoulder to calm him.

Sirius almost crumbled but he managed to grab Remus around the shoulders and clung onto his friend to hold himself together.

"He's normal again… he's safe?"

~~~

Harry felt rested and surprisingly calm after Fawkes left.

He heard Madame Pomfrey humming next door as she arranged her supplies…

He heard the birds outside singing brightly…

He heard Peeves the poltergeist knocking over suits of armour…

He almost fancied he could hear the familiar roar of the quidditch crowd drifting over from the quidditch pitch…

But most comforting of all was that, for the moment at least _the voice_ was gone.

Thinking for once about nothing at all he started to doze, untroubled and peaceful at last.

~~~

Dumbledore eventually managed to get everyone seated and calmed, this was difficult in Sirius' case as he desperately tried to escape the room to see Harry straight away.

But after a brief scuffle they were all ready to sort out what had happened.

"Sirius.Perhaps you would enlighten us with your version of events."Said Dumbledore peering intently at Sirius over the top of his glasses.

"When I set off for Hogwarts I was in my animagus form.I thought I was safe.I hadn't expected a confrontation, and especially not with Death Eaters.

There were four I think.They didn't seem to question that I wasn't just an ordinary dog.They stunned me before I had a chance to react to four masked figures blocking my path.

When I woke up I was ordered to transform.I didn't, but then they told me that they had found out about my animagus form from Harry…Of course I thought Harry was in trouble so I co-operated so that I might be able to see him.It was then that they took me to _him_.

Voldemort seemed very happy to see me.He taunted me for a while about my failure to be there for my godson.

When he stepped aside to introduce me to my executioner I found myself looking at Harry.

I couldn't believe it.I closed my eyes when he said Avada Kedavra.Hearing Harry say those words it was the hardest thing of my life.

He tried to kill me.I must admit that was all I could think of at the time… Harry tried to kill me!

But it didn't work.

It hit someone else instead.

I heard Lucius Malfoy try it again twice.When I looked I saw that Peter had taken one of the blows.But Harry and Voldemort had disappeared.

Then all I remember was green light.

When I woke up I thought I was dead.When I realised I was hurt I knew I wasn't.There was a graze along my side as if a curse had just narrowly missed me.It must have been the killing curse.

I looked around but no one was there.

In the end I started back for Remus' house, as it was closest.Then he brought me here."

Everyone was silent as Sirius' story fell into place in their minds.

Sirius however was unable to tolerate silence.

"Now will someone explain what's been going on with my godson?"He said.

~~~

It was a much more subdued Sirius Black that limped slightly as he walked into the Hospital Wing.He was still feeling the effects of his brush with death, but he felt the pain of knowing what Harry had been through even more keenly.

As he drew towards the bed he saw that Harry was asleep.His covers were straight as though he'd hardly moved.His face was relaxed, his forehead smooth aside from the familiar lightening bolt groove.His left arm was hanging down off of the bed and the ugly dark mark remained faintly branded there forever, but in the end just another scar.

Sirius wiped a stray tear from his cheek.He could hear the others talking to Madame Pomfrey outside.

As he stood next to his peacefully sleeping godson he felt the paternal instinct inside of him telling him to hug Harry.

Not wanting to wake him he settled on tucking the covers carefully around the boy.

~~~

Harry felt the comfortable sleep starting to fall away and was aware of someone softly wrapping him up in enveloping warmth.He wondered who it was… Madame Pomfrey, or Lupin perhaps.When he heard the person whisper his name his heart jumped.

"Sirius."He whispered, his throat constricting painfully as soon as the words had passed in realisation that it couldn't possibly be Sirius Black.

"I'm here Harry."

Harry's eyes flew open.Even though his sight was distinctly blurred and his eyes close to tears Harry could make out the long black hair and persistently thin frame of the most wonderful person in the world.

"Sirius!"He yelled, praying ferociously in his heart that this wasn't a dream or illusion.

As godson and godfather hugged each other tightly nothing in the world could have drawn their attention away.

Harry gasped in his breath as he felt his heart pound with joy.

"You're alive!"He cried hugging Sirius even more tightly.

"Ouch!Yeah, I know."Said Sirius clutching his side.

"I'm so sorry." Chocked Harry his eyes clouding over with the guilt that had been so consuming of him.

"Harry.I'm proud of you, you made the right decision when it really mattered.And I love you, no matter what."Said Sirius reaching over for Harry's glasses and sliding them onto his godson's tearstained face.

Sirius sat down next to Harry who smiled and said.

"I love you too.And I'll never forget that again."

The End 

A/N

There you have it!

*Wipes sweat from brow*

I hope the ending wasn't too mushy, but hey!It had to be!

I feel I might need an epilogue just to put a few little things to rest but this was the ending I planned, tell me what you think!

Enormous thanks to everyone who reviewed any or all of the parts.*Grins*

Reviewers of Part 5

QtPie079

vmr

Grace

Holli

Sandra Solaria Dees

Coqui

Kit Cloudkicker

Creamy Mimi

Lena

Raven of Death

sweets

Lin-z

Kitty c

Twilight Angel

Ady

Sirius*Padfoot*Black

Thanx u guys!

This is the first proper fic that I've finished, (unless there's an epilogue!)And I'm very proud if myself.

Rest assured that I should be getting back to DoR and Auriellis soon.They're not going to be forgotten!

Love U All!

Jona

xxx


	7. Authors note...

Just a note to say that there is now a sequel to Losing Your Way!

It's called 'Shaping the Future' and deals with the aftermath…

What will Ron and Hermione do when they find out?

What has REALLY happened to Voldie?

Will Harry find it within himself to rejoin the wizarding public after what happened?

Will Snape and Sirius ever stop fighting?

You can find it all here…

FanFiction.Net v3.0

Luv to all!

Jona

xxx


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